I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
