I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize