i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
