I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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