I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
