wakey wakey hands off snakey
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
