Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
