Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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