If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
