I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Randomize
