I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
