there's paper in my vomit.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
