I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
