It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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