I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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