I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
