I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
