Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
