good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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