you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
