I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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