I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
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