walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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