you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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