I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
