I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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