I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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