I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
