I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
