I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
