Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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