No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
