Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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