My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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