don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
