"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
