I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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