I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize