Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
