You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
