I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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