a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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