Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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