my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
