dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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