Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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