this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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