Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
