i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
