A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
