I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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