Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
