At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
