Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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