either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
