I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
