I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
